going back.

It’s a weird feeling that I don’t really know how to explain. I am excited yet nervous, but the day can’t come soon enough.

I’m sure you’ve guessed it, but it’s time to go back to Bonaventure.

I left with a feeling of anger, but was so grateful for what I had experienced. Last time I drove down was to empty my house and I left barely being able to see through the tears. I walked around with two things on my keychain. My school I.D. and my house key. I counted dimes and quarters to make the $2 cover charge at the Burton, and I lived for when a 5 dollar bill could get me two pounders and the rare tip for the bartender.

Now I am going back with an anxious feeling of “what if it’s not the same?” Im driving down going 100 miles an hour because I can’t wait to see friends who are still in school. I’m walking in with a 30 rack for me and a 30 rack for the girls rugby team. And now I have no problem dropping 20 dollars for rounds of shots and leaving a reasonable tip.

Its very unexplainable.

I had created a life for four years at this place, and now it has changed within just 4 months. Everything will be different, and in a way I’m not sure if I will like. I won’t be able to just walk into a house knowing exactly what my friends are doing at that moment. Or climb into my roommates bed to try and cure the Sunday scaries. I will actually have to sneak into the dinning hall because I don’t belong, not because I ran out of swipes.

I honestly think one of my worst fears is that now I am going to have to actually knock on a door in order to enter a house. I couldn’t tell you the last time I knocked on a door to walk into a college house. I usually just walked in and announced I was there. Okay.. I still will probably do that. But I will have to knock first… maybe..

The worst of it all is that I will be staying in my house that I spent so many “lasts” in. Last living room sleepover, last all nighter, last… well you get the point. NOW I have to go spend the night, as A GUEST! I used to walk around that house in my underwear and now I don’t even know if I can pee with the door open.

Maybe it’s just writing about it that makes me more nervous, or maybe I’m just being dramatic (which isn’t unusual). Either way I just can’t get the butterflies out of my stomach. It’s just a visit to A PLACE LIKE NO OTHER and I am over here acting like I am meeting a guys parents for the first time or something.

I was there for four fucking years and I think I am more nervous to go back now than I was moving in with a stranger freshman year! There is something so wrong here. I know I will have nothing but a good time, and I am beyond excited to go out/hang out/ and be around my Bonnies. And to be completely honest I will probably leave the same way I did 4 month ago. Barely being able to see through the tears. Wishing and with a gut full of jealousy that I was the one saying goodbye to those who were visiting me. Not the other way around.

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One thought on “going back.

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