it was different.

So as many of you know, I visited one of my favorite places this past weekend. St. Bonaventure. Well, let me tell you, all my worries came true.

There were times I couldn’t stop smiling, laughing and reminiscing with my friends. However, there were also times where I would just stand silent, wondering how this place had such an impact and how now how hard it is for me to return. During the rugby games, I was nothing but a proud mom cheering for the girls, who seemed to be all my little kids growing up. Then during the men’s game I was an obsessed fan who was screaming at every great catch, run or tackle. Me and my friends, always having a beer in our hand, wandering around town like the good ol’ days, as in 4 months ago when we did it on the daily.

But even through all the rugby fun, reminiscing and hanging with people I haven’t seen in a while, St. Bonaventure still was not the same. It started with when I first got there. I showed up and didn’t know where to go OR put my stuff. Now, I have a lot of stuff. Between not knowing what to wear to bringing everything just incase my friends needed to borrow something. Which brings us to my first problem. Even though I brought a lot of crap/clothes/shoes, I still didn’t have everything I wanted. And I couldn’t just run home grab what I wanted and then be satisfied. I had to deal with what I had even if it wasn’t what I wanted. NOT SOMETHING I LIKE! I also had no where to put it all, I started in the townhouses and then I made it into town at my old house. Keeping everything in a pile in the corner, making sure it was all together so that I didn’t lose anything. I had to make sure I didn’t leave my crap thrown around what I was calling my house that others are living in.

When I walked into my old house, it really hit me… Autumn, you are an alumni and no longer a student.

It was just weird, all to weird. In a way that when I got there I did nothing but stand around and stare at things that were no longer mine and that I no longer had the freedom to just do whatever I wanted. I walked into my old house thinking “how could it really be that different?” I can’t even put into words how different.

It wasn’t until Saturday that I truly new that it was too soon for me to be there. The wounds from graduating weren’t heeled and being there was splitting them open again. Sitting in the garage drinking and remembering all the times I had done this just within the last few months of school. Or climbing onto the roof to people watch and yell stupid shit at those who walked by. Me and my roommate just sat in the corner nursing our beer and wondering how could it change so much in just 3 months.

Saturday night, when the time came we circled up as one, and swayed and sang to the song Piano Man. Something that has been done at Bonaventure for years. This is when the water ducks turned on, and I knew that I shouldn’t have come no matter how much I loved seeing people and how much I loved this place. It was an instant flashback to graduation weekend when I did the same with the people I spent the last four years with, for the last time. But instead of yelling the lyrics at the top of our lungs like this weekend, we couldn’t even get a word out through the sobs of knowing it wouldn’t be the same. Knowing that this moment was out last one together.

This was all I could think about, that was until my friend hit me in the shoulder wiped my tears and said next time will be better. But after this past weekend that next time us going to be awhile. It is going to be a while until I can return and not want to sit in the corner nursing a beer because I am still not healed from graduation.

2 thoughts on “it was different.

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